An Eye on your But

When we use ‘but,’ we are negating what we just said.

I love spring, but I don’t like all the rain.

So, do you really love spring?

I’d do anything for my kids, but I am exhausted!

So, maybe not anything.

Thanks for making dinner, but I really wanted to go out.

Ow. So much for gratitude.

When directed at others, ‘but’ can elicit defensiveness.

I love spring, and it sure is a lot of rain.

I do what I can for my kids, and it’s exhausting.

Thank you for making dinner.

It’s easy. Just change BUT to AND or simply drop the second phrase.

Simply monitor, notice, and say it again. As you’re learning, you can emphasize AND to retrain your neuro-pathways.

I love ice cream, AND I’ll have apricots instead.

You can go to the party, AND be home by nine.

You did a great job, AND I have an idea to make it even better.

This is a foundational teaching in Nonviolent Communication.