Keep an Eye on You

Sentences beginning with You can create dissonance in communication and relationships. Let’s consider the following:

You hurt me.

You should eat more vegetables.

You are so awesome.

You hurt me places the ownership of my response on someone else. How I respond to anything belongs to me. I decide whether I am hurt, amused, indifferent….

Instead, simply acknowledge the feeling. I feel hurt. Even That hurts is cleaner.

You should _________ implies I’m not doing something right or good enough. I may feel defensive instead of receiving your suggestion.

Instead, offer an opinion. Eating more vegetables might help.

You are (any descriptive word), even positive, can also create defensiveness and disconnection. If you say to me, You’re so cool, I begin to wonder what that means and whether it rings true. It doesn’t ensure authentic connection or acceptance as a compliment.

Instead, keep the ownership of an opinion: I like how you helped those kids. That was a beautiful performance. Dinner was delicious.

Note we don’t need or probably want continual “I Statements.” Keeping our language clean, graceful, and authentic is ongoing, iterative work.